Because it's a well heeled subdivision with a lake, I never thought it might not have street lights. On top of that, because it's such a long event, the automobile traffic isn't halted. The only good thing was the part of the course that takes you by the lake. I saw several runners jump in the water just too cool down. I also noticed some non-runners using Pabst, Budweiser, and other cold tasty beverages to achieve their coolness. It was July. It was Georgia. It was hot! Drinking, driving, and running in the street. What could possibly go wrong?
Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!
Instead, I had to adjust.
No Big Deal
Oh Shoot! My Ankle! Fudge!
Fortunately My Pride Broke My Fall
I thanked her and made some comment about how it didn't hurt that much.
What I was really thinking was "3 seconds my ass. No way all that crap poured through my head in that short of period. And what in the hell is that clicking noise comin' from my ankle? Don't act like you don't hear it! I'm Gumby dammit!”
Click Thump. Click. Thump. Click Thump.
"AWESOME!" I said while thinking of a phrase that rhymes with bucket. I may have even mumbled something like "What the hell did she tell me that for? How is that helpful? She's just paying me back for not buying her the good flute in grammar school!".
How's That Forearm Comin'?
Any other time I may have talked about it with my running partner, but in this case...well... let's just say my daughter and I have never had those kinds of discussions. Besides, one of my two best friends was now here to keep me company! Oh yes. Life couldn't possibly be better. This is PERFECT I thought.
Somebody Put Me Out Of My Misery Please
Six foot something, 350 pounds and counting; it was wearing some sort of sleeveless muscle shirt with no bra and shimmering sky blue spandex running shorts. I felt somewhat euphoric as the epiphany of finally understanding the expression 'full moon' rested gently into my cranium.
Apparently they hadn't caught the sarcasm in the sales clerks voice when they said "Oh yeah. That size fits all! You look good in those!" What I remember is that as they ran past me I saw the words "Help Me" in raised letters on their right butt cheek. I'll never get over it. The image haunts me still.
As soon as they got out of earshot I said "Stupid idiot doesn't even know where they are going!" My lovely offspring reminded me that I didn't say anything bad about the 13 year old kid on crutches pushing his grandfather in a wheelchair that passed us about 30 minutes ago, so why pick on them? "Because they were stupid!" I said. "Smart enough to stay out of a pothole." is what I think she said.
Making a mental note to remove her from my will, we pressed on.
Other Wonderful Thoughts
- Maybe if I just use one ankle, the pain will be half as bad!
- I hate our dog! She's always barking when strange people are walking around the house at night!
- I wonder if the rings around Saturn are actually made of mustard and not cheese like everybody thinks!
- Apparently I have no friends because true friends would have talked me out of this.
- When a wild bear craps in the woods, does it mean 30 more days of winter?
- So THIS is why my wife checked on my life insurance policy yesterday!
- and of course "42".
The Finish Line
The Moral of the Story
You can lay there and stay there, with your bloody forearms and twisted ankle.
But at least you won't have a swollen testicle. I believe there is value even in that.